Hi, Barbie.
♪ I get up out of bed and wave to my homegirls ♪
♪ Hey, Barbie ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Why so stressed? ♪
Hi, Barbie.
♪ Could it be those irrepressible… ♪
Hi, Barbie.
♪ …thoughts of death ♪
♪ Come on, we got important things to… Ooh! ♪
♪ It’s her, and her and me and you ♪
♪ And pink goes with everything ♪
♪ Oh, that’s cold ♪
♪ Beautiful from head to toe ♪
♪ I’m read’ to go You know, you know ♪
♪ It’s pink It’s gonna be all right ♪
♪ Good enough to drink ♪
♪ We like other colors but ♪
♪ Pink just looks so good on us ♪
♪ P, panic ♪
♪ I, I’m scared ♪
[spitting]
♪ N, nauseous ♪
♪ K, death ♪
♪ That’s my Barbie ♪
♪ Go Barbie, go Barbie ♪
♪ That’s my Barbie Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
Ahh!
[thuds]
[Lizzo] Oh. Ooh, girl, you okay?
Hi, Barbie.
I’m fine. A-okay.
You got it, Barbie.
Let’s go, Barbie!
Great cheer, Kens.
High five!
Hey, Barbie.
[Barbie grunts]
Come on, Barbie. Let’s run towards the water.
Okay.
[gasps]
Oh.
[grunting]
[gasping]
[gasps]
Oh! My feet!
[sighs]
[gasps] Oh, no.
[panting]
Yes! So good!
[grunting]
Hey, Barbie.
Hi.
Are you okay?
Hey, Barbie.
Yeah, Barbie. I just fell.
Fell?
I’m so embarrassed.
Barbie doesn’t get embarrassed.
I know.
Barbie, I don’t even have context for this, but my feet… my heels are on the ground.
I’m no longer on tiptoes.
That’s okay. Let me see.
[all gasp]
[screams] Flat feet! [retches]
[all screaming]
[retching]
[sobbing] Oh, no!
[retching]
Stop it, Ken.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
I know I’m Stereotypical Barbie and therefore don’t form conjectures concerning the causality of adjacent unfolding events, but some things have been happening that might be related.
[sighs]
Bad breath this morning, a cold shower, burnt waffle, and falling off my roof.
[gasps] You’re malfunctioning.
What? No, I’m just, I’m…
Am I?
I’ve never seen this kind of malfunction before. It’s usually just hair-related.
You know, you’re gonna have to visit Weird Barbie.
I have never had to visit Weird Barbie.
That’s because you’ve never malfunctioned.
I heard that she used to be the most beautiful Barbie of all, but then someone played with her too hard in the Real World.
[“Spice Up Your Life” playing]
♪ Colors of the world ♪
♪ Spice up your life ♪
♪ Every boy and every girl ♪
♪ Spice up your life ♪
♪ People of the world ♪
♪ Spice up your life ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Slam me to the left ♪
♪ If you’re having a good time ♪
♪ Shake it to the right ♪
And now she’s fated to an eternity of making other Barbies perfect while falling more and more into disrepair herself.
That, and we all call her Weird Barbie both behind her back and also to her face.
She’s so weird.
Why is she always in the splits?
[thunder rumbling]
[grunts] I would never wear heels if my feet were shaped this way.
Hello?
Woof.
[gasps]
Oh.
[plops]
Bark.
[plops]
Woof.
Bark.
Hey.
What’s cookin’, good-lookin’?
Hi.
Welcome.
Welcome to my Weirdhouse.
[grunts]
Hi, how are ya?
Nice to meet you.
Sorry about the dog crap. What can I do ya for?
I just had to come see you about my feet.
They’re, um…
Flat.
Yeah.
Never seen that before.
Really?
Whoa.
Okay. Well, can you, you know, fix them?
You’re Stereotypical Barbie, right?
Mmm-hmm.
[chuckles] That Ken of yours, he is one nice-looking little protein pot.
I guess.
I’d like to see what kind of nude blob he’s packing under those jeans. [sighs]
Anyway, what preceded this?
Oh, nothing.
A really fun game of volleyball.
That’s it?
Thoughts of death.
What is it?
[stammers] Maybe some thoughts of death?
Thoughts of death!
Is that a problem?
Oh.
What?
I’ve heard of this.
Of course, I didn’t think it was possible, but it’s real.
Oh, you’ve done it. You’ve opened a portal.
I didn’t open a portal.
[chuckles] Someone did. And now, there is a rip in the continuum that is the membrane between Barbie Land and the Real World, and if you wanna be Stereotypical Barbie perfect again, then, baby girl, you gotta go fix it.
Or you’re gonna keep going funny. Look at your upper thigh.
[gasps] What is that?
That’s cellulite.
That’s gonna spread everywhere.
What?
And then you’re gonna start getting sad and mushy and complicated.
No!
[hisses]
What do I have to do?
You have to go to the Real World.
Okay.
And you have to find the girl who’s playing with you.
Playing with me?
We’re all being played with, babe.
But usually there’s some kind of separation. Thanks.
There’s the girl and the doll. And never the twain shall cross.
The twain is crossing?
Yes.
And the girl who’s playing with you, she must be sad, and her thoughts and feelings and humanness are interfering with your dollness.
Why would she be sad?
We fixed everything so that all women in the Real World can be happy and powerful.
I don’t know, but if you ask me, you had something to do with this, too.
Me?
Takes two to rip a portal.
I can’t have.
I’ve only ever wanted for everything to stay exactly as it is.
Well, be that as it may, the two of you are becoming inextricably intertwined.
And you gotta help her to help yourself.
[girls’ voices echoing faintly]
So, should… Whoo!
So, what’ll it be then?
You can go back to your regular life and forget any of this ever happened, or you can know the truth about the universe.
The choice is now yours.
The first one. The high heel.
No. We’ll do a re-do.
You’re supposed to want to know.
I don’t.
Mmm. Babe, listen.
You have to want to know, okay? Do it again.
I’m not Adventure Barbie. I’m Stereotypical Barbie.
I’m like the Barbie you think of when someone says, “Think of a Barbie.”
That’s me.
I’m bummed. You’re a bummer. That’s a bummer.
Okay, I’m ready to forget now.
No! You’re doing this one!
I just gave you a choice so you could feel some sense of control.
So there is no option one?
No!
You have to fix the rip yourself.
Don’t blame me, blame Mattel. They make the rules.
[whining] Oh, I don’t want to.
Fine, get cellulite. I don’t care.
No! No, no, no. No. Okay. Yeah.
[sighs]
Send me through the portal.
Okay. There’s actually no portal.
Oh.
It’s a figure of speech.
It’s actually a sports car to a speedboat, to a rocket ship, to a tandem bike, to a camper van, fun, to a snowmobile, brr, which will take you most of the way to the state of Los Angeles, where you will don neon and Rollerblades, and enter the country of California.
Weird, I know. Best if you don’t think about it too much.
And then when I get there, how do I find this girl?
You will know.
Okay. And how do I get back?
The same way you came, but in reverse.
Like I should move forward but do the order backward or go…
Don’t overthink it.
Oh. Okay.
For you see, if you do not find her and fix things, what’s ugly will become uglier, and what’s weird will become weirder.
And then you’ll look like me.
Ahh! Oh.
Sorry.
I understand. I set myself up for that.
Anyway, I believe in you.
Thank you.
Go. Be careful. I love you.
Bye.
Bye.
[crowd] Bon voyage to reality, and good luck restoring the membrane that separates our world from theirs so you don’t get cellulite!
[cheering]
I guess she’s going without you.
You’re so lost, Ken.
[laughs]
She literally asked me.
And I was like, “I prefer to stay here.”
Why? Are you scared?
No.
[laughs] I bet you’re scared.
And I bet she doesn’t even want you to go.
Well, you bet both those things incorrectly, and I bet in the opposite direction.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Which way is that?
You don’t even know.
I just don’t want to leave. I’m trying to find reasons not to leave.
Please stay.
I’m gonna miss you guys so much.
I just wish someone could come with me, but you can’t.
I should do this alone.
What bird am I thinking of?
Parrot.
Dolphin. I mean, no, a bird.
Pelican.
Ohh.
Man.
We’ll miss you, Barbie.
[Stereotypical Barbie] I’ll be back in no time, with perfect feet, and we’ll forget that this ever happened.
And you’ll get to see all the good work we’ve done to fix the world.
You’ll be such a hero to them.
All those grateful, powerful women who owe their wonderful lives to Barbie.
I’ll bet every woman will say thank you and give you a really big hug. [giggles]
Yes, you’re right. Here I go.
Bye.
Yay!
Bye, Barbie.
Bye.
[whooshes]
[“Closer to Fine” playing]
Bye, Barbie. Good luck in reality.
Watch for cellulite!
[car horn honks]
[singing along]
♪ I went to the doctor I went to the mountains ♪
♪ I looked to the children I drank from the fountains ♪
♪ There’s more than one answer to these questions ♪
♪ Pointing me in a crooked line ♪
♪ And the less I seek my source for some definitive ♪
♪ Closer I am to fine ♪
♪ Closer I am to fi…
♪ Closer I am to fi…
[both screaming]
[tires screeching]
[screaming continues]
[music stops]
[panting] What are you doing here?
I’m coming with you.
No. Please get out.
I can’t.
I made a double bet with Ken, and you can’t make me look uncool in front of Ken.
Ken’s not cool!
He is to me.
You’re just gonna slow me down.
Barbie, what if there’s beach?
You’ll need someone who’s a professional in that.
Did you bring your Rollerblades?
I literally go nowhere without them.
Please?
Okay.
Wow. [chuckling]
Let’s do this.
Can I sit in the front?
No.
[narrator] And so Barbie and Ken set off on their adventure to the Real World.
[eagle screeches]
[“Journey To The Real World” playing]
♪ Somewhere else there is to see ♪
♪ The future is a mystery ♪
♪ I wonder what we’ll see when we ♪
[dolphins clicking]
[seagull squawks]
[Ken] Ah!
♪ Get to ♪
[Ken grunting]
♪ The Real World ♪
[bicycle bell rings]
[chuckles]
[Ken exhales]
Hi!
[both chuckle]
♪ We’re going to ♪
♪ The Real World ♪
Barbie…
Wow. [laughs]
Yes!
[“Watati” playing]
[Barbie] Wow. This is the Real World.
Barbie, I told you there’d be beach.
Yeah.
[onlookers whistle]
[laughing]
Hmm.
Oh, yeah! [laughs]
[chuckles]
[man wolf whistles]
What’s going on?
Give us a smile, blondie.
Why are these men looking at me?
Yeah, they’re also staring at me.
Ooh, love that!
Wow!
I feel kind of ill at ease. Like… I don’t know the word for it, but I’m…
[man 1] Nice leotard.
Conscious, but it’s myself that I’m conscious of.
[Ken] I’m not getting any of that.
I feel what could only be described as admired.
[man 2] Damn, girl!
But not ogled.
[man 3] You’re hot.
And there’s no undertone of violence.
Mine very much has an undertone of violence.
Oh, look, a construction site.
We need that good feminine energy.
Yeah.
Ladies! Yoo-hoo.
Oh.
You got fries with that shake?
If I said you had a hot body, would you hold it against me?
[man 4] Have I died and gone to heaven?
[man 5] Is that a mirror in your pocket?
Baby, you are an angel.
I can see myself in your shorts.
I don’t know exactly what you meant with all of those little quips, but I’m picking up on some sort of entendre, which appears to be double, and I would just like to inform you,
I do not have a vagina.
And he does not have a penis.
We don’t have genitals.
That’s okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, whatever. Yeah.
It’s cool.
I have all the genitals.
Geez, you would think a construction site at lunch time would be the perfect place for a little woman power, but this one was so… male.
Everything is almost like… reversed here.
[seagulls cawing]
Oh, look!
The Supreme Court.
[Ken] They’re so smart.
Yeah.
[man 6] Yeah, bruh! Do it, bro!
[slap lands]
[“Chose Your Fighter” playing]
[gasps]
[camera shutter clicks]
[camera shutter clicks]
I love me a leotard.
I love the elbow pads.
I think we should get some different clothes.
[waves crashing]
[seagulls cawing]
We look great.
I love fringe.
I love denim.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
[laughs]
Hey, man.
You guys gotta pay for that stuff.
[cop] She looks even better in more clothes.
Because you can imagine more.
You know what? Keep ’em.
Weird Barbie said I would know how to find this girl, but I have no idea.
Hmm.
What would a smart Barbie do?
I just need to clear my mind so I can think.
Who is playing with me?
I hate it when people think. I get so bored.
Faster I figure it out, the faster we get to go home.
What am I supposed to do?
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