I Saw the TV Glow

really hard to make more reviews even tho i always have the feeling that i have more to say. but largely, my last year as legally a minor (lol) feels like something only ever looked back on via pictures and stuck inside those pictures in the future. i don't really am excited for the next few years but something, a qeustion that has been stuck in my mind for a long time is "what do you still get from this family" which is a qeustion my mother asked a few months ago.....and i just couldn't think of anything non material and i think more and more about that because i think we both realize that its where our relationship is now but nobody is willing to admit who's at fault but also the constent gifts of expensive stuff is all everything is between us, from a new tv to new clothes which, the clothes are more female oriented to be fair, i think i mentioned that once but it all feels empty at a certain point, whats the point anymore when we both know we won't budge and don't actually align?

there is something so interesting about the phrase "we don't have to agree but we can get allong"
a phrase i agree with but i don't when we are talking basic human rights like a fucking name or just pronouns. gender is a social illusions but then why can't i be part of that? but where do i go? i can leave but then where do i sleep? where do i stay?
but im also to afraid to say something back, say what i actually think because most of the times i've only received anger again and wearing feminine clothes is not forbidden but everytime i don't put them in my backpack before stepping foot in house, all i ever get is "where doing stuff again on your own, are we?" like there was any effort from the otherside to say anything remotely in that direction or to help me with that.

im kinda just fed up with everything, i just think its unfair because i don't look like other girls, i don't sound like other girls, my hands are big, my face has a dark shadow were a beard is gonna be and i have lived for 15 years as a boy but what i find most hideous is the fact i've lived with only woman in my entirely life but there no ounce of compastion, only a mild grumpyness with a hint of interest thats still rooted in ignorance and hate because thats all ignorance ever is.

I Saw the TV Glow2024

00

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last night a friend of mine said he doesn't see me as a girl, we talked for me a bit and he opologized.....but he still said it.
i don't think i feel well, i had a mental breakdown 2 hours ago, violently sobbing. i am tired and i wanna go to sleep.

(watch my feature film https://boxd.it/cQ1mBp )

I Saw the TV Glow2024

00

Read review

that feeling of getting more numb by the day, where it feels like everyday is just the same day where nothing feels right and where everything seems like it pushes against you.
where movies are the only thing keeping me alive and not suicidal.
where watching fantasy becomes the reality you want to escape in, where you feel more alive then whats supposedly home.

and where making your own movies, your own fantasies, dreams, stories seems like the only way to escape the nightmare of day to day existence as a trans person. the perception of you once deemed closes to you begins to warp and spiral until they become unrecognizeable to who you once knew or they just were always like that but never saw their true self.

pls watch my new 79 min film
https://boxd.it/cQcAJp

I Saw the TV Glow2024

00

Read review

half the time i don't feel like im alive.

i just went shopping for clothes for christmas. im not allowed to wear what i wanna wear. i have to stick to just leather pants and a blouse.
what i really wanna wear and buy are dresses. i love dresses.'

vacation weeks are torture now, all i want it to be is over so that i can go back to school and wear what i wanna wear, among people who actually call me how i wanna be called. like last summer vacation, i feel isolated despite being around 2 or more people.
i wish the woman in my life had the capable empathy to know how hard is it to actually go day by day, i wish they actually realize their choices only make it worse.

i like the listen to <a href="https://open.spotify.com/track/4hGc42qyzkBMoHGddyX565?si=Oc4ROlS_Than0g0846nPfQ">this song</a> when im sad, i love it.
its sad but also upbeat at the same time.

I Saw the TV Glow2024

00

Read review

really hard to make more reviews even tho i always have the feeling that i have more to say. but largely, my last year as legally a minor (lol) feels like something only ever looked back on via pictures and stuck inside those pictures in the future. i don't really am excited for the next few years but something, a qeustion that has been stuck in my mind for a long time is "what do you still get from this family" which is a qeustion my mother asked a few months ago.....and i just couldn't think of anything non material and i think more and more about that because i think we both realize that its where our relationship is now but nobody is willing to admit who's at fault but also the constent gifts of expensive stuff is all everything is between us, from a new tv to new clothes which, the clothes are more female oriented to be fair, i think i mentioned that once but it all feels empty at a certain point, whats the point anymore when we both know we won't budge and don't actually align?

there is something so interesting about the phrase "we don't have to agree but we can get allong"
a phrase i agree with but i don't when we are talking basic human rights like a fucking name or just pronouns. gender is a social illusions but then why can't i be part of that? but where do i go? i can leave but then where do i sleep? where do i stay?
but im also to afraid to say something back, say what i actually think because most of the times i've only received anger again and wearing feminine clothes is not forbidden but everytime i don't put them in my backpack before stepping foot in house, all i ever get is "where doing stuff again on your own, are we?" like there was any effort from the otherside to say anything remotely in that direction or to help me with that.

im kinda just fed up with everything, i just think its unfair because i don't look like other girls, i don't sound like other girls, my hands are big, my face has a dark shadow were a beard is gonna be and i have lived for 15 years as a boy but what i find most hideous is the fact i've lived with only woman in my entirely life but there no ounce of compastion, only a mild grumpyness with a hint of interest thats still rooted in ignorance and hate because thats all ignorance ever is.

I Saw the TV Glow2024

00

Read review

last night a friend of mine said he doesn't see me as a girl, we talked for me a bit and he opologized.....but he still said it.
i don't think i feel well, i had a mental breakdown 2 hours ago, violently sobbing. i am tired and i wanna go to sleep.

(watch my feature film https://boxd.it/cQ1mBp )

I Saw the TV Glow2024

00

Read review

that feeling of getting more numb by the day, where it feels like everyday is just the same day where nothing feels right and where everything seems like it pushes against you.
where movies are the only thing keeping me alive and not suicidal.
where watching fantasy becomes the reality you want to escape in, where you feel more alive then whats supposedly home.

and where making your own movies, your own fantasies, dreams, stories seems like the only way to escape the nightmare of day to day existence as a trans person. the perception of you once deemed closes to you begins to warp and spiral until they become unrecognizeable to who you once knew or they just were always like that but never saw their true self.

pls watch my new 79 min film
https://boxd.it/cQcAJp

I Saw the TV Glow2024

00

Read review

half the time i don't feel like im alive.

i just went shopping for clothes for christmas. im not allowed to wear what i wanna wear. i have to stick to just leather pants and a blouse.
what i really wanna wear and buy are dresses. i love dresses.'

vacation weeks are torture now, all i want it to be is over so that i can go back to school and wear what i wanna wear, among people who actually call me how i wanna be called. like last summer vacation, i feel isolated despite being around 2 or more people.
i wish the woman in my life had the capable empathy to know how hard is it to actually go day by day, i wish they actually realize their choices only make it worse.

i like the listen to <a href="https://open.spotify.com/track/4hGc42qyzkBMoHGddyX565?si=Oc4ROlS_Than0g0846nPfQ">this song</a> when im sad, i love it.
its sad but also upbeat at the same time.

I Saw the TV Glow2024

00

Read review