Love & Pop

a film that.....i don't know how to describe because it reminds me of the last year. im gonna be very honest, i always try to be because honesty is what film deserve imo considering film is such a large piece of my puzzle.

while i never gotten close to the same horrors as these girls did and i was never forced into this life due to financial gain, the sexual exploitation feels weirdly disturbing to me because i experienced it due to myself and myself alone. i had sex, yes and maybe i shouldn't state this directly on the internet where everything is public but what is private anymore? but i had sex with probably someone in their 50s, two men to be exact. i searched them up, i did because of a reason i don't fully know to this day but would that help?
i was and still am trying to be seen, feel like an actual women instead of cosplay and that has lead me to something disturbing. i wish i never did that because it still haunts me, i feel and think like this is all my own doing. i could sit here and say "what had gotten me in my head" as earnestly and self hating as possible but the thing is, i go to these sex websites to maybe seek validation, to experience human touch on the naked body because i don't know any better. i told them i was 18 and i have to live with that fact and i qeustion if thats really the person i am or not. i don't want that because a lot of trans women are forced into sex work and i don't wanna experience that but if i continue to seek it out myself then i have no else to blame but myself and myself alone.
if anything, this and so many other things fuel my self hatred.

self pitty is not an option. this is somewhat different to what happened in this film but i nonetheless am drawn to it with an experience of similaire kind. its digital cinematography is gorgeous even if a little weird in editing. it always feels like a film with bulging eyes looking at every inch of the body of these girls. wether you think thats weird because a man directed it is up to you and neither do i blame you.

Love & Pop1998

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